When Harry Met Jesus
by a7
Summary: What would happen if Harry Potter crossed with the bible? read and find out
1. Default Chapter

"Harry!" a voice above the foot of his bed said. "Harry, wake up." The voice appeared to be losing it's patience. Harry didn't really understand why, it wasn't the one beign woken up at some ungodly hour of the night. "Yes yes what is it?" He asked, pulling on his glasses. He didn't really need his glasses to see the body at the end of the bed, he just found they made him look more intelligent and distracted people from the scar on his head, which he was still yet to tell anyone was from the time he walked into a door as a child. The face was becoming too familiar for his liking, it was a large white, bearded face, which glowed in a way so as to cast light on the whole dormitory, and yet not wake any of the others up. Harry suspected they had grown to be deep sleepers, seeing he often enters and exits the room at random points in the night, accompanied by dragons, oafs, and even the occasional god. His fellow Gryffindorians were probably used to this, which suited him just fine. If Voldemort (oh how he had fun mentioning that name around the table at meals and seeing his colleagues reactions, it almost made the torturous life of fame worth it) ever entered the Gryffindor dorms there'd be hell, but thank god that would never make a suitable plot line. Of course it seems logical that people would believe a picture could hold back such an evil... "HARRY SHUT UP!!!!" "*I'll be good*" Harry said in a tiny voice, glad tomorrow was washing day or he'd have to wear a soiled robe around all day. "Now Harry, do you know why I'm here?" The man asked, as if he'd asked the question many, many, many times before. "Umm, does it have something to do with the last book I wrote?" "Yes Harry, it did" He said, putting extra emphasis on the Y, which seemed to go on for several minutes. "I am particularly disappointed in the section in which you state that you are the new Jesus." "Sorry, I only meant it as a joke." "Oh, and I expect you think the section entitled "Thirty ways to cook and eat Christians" is funny? Jesus has been crying for weeks, honestly, Mary is getting quite irritated at it." Harry sniggered at this, he enjoyed making thirty year old men cry, especially demi-gods. God would have lost his temper at that, if he hadn't lost it two-hundred years earlier in a bar- room brawl with Zeuss over what was the world's best beer. He doesn't care, he still likes Guinness, and he got back at Zeuss with the scathing remark 'well at least people still worship me' "Harry, now listen to me, you have to understand that it's getting harder and harder for me to get people to worship me. The recruitment rate hasn't been worse since the times when Romans fed my followers to the lions..." (Harry remembered that he needed to feed his lions. He didn't think now would be a good time to ask god where the best Christians could be found) "...And the last thing I need is for some snotty nosed little wizard brat to be spreading nasty rumours. Now are you going to apolagize for Jesus or will I have to kill your first born son again?" Harry didn't have a first born son, but what god doesn't know can't hurt him, right? But maybe he thought, just maybe, he'd follow god up on his offer, after all, he wanted to see heaven. He could tell his friends that he went there to battle god. He could even write it into his next book, now under the working title "The Bible; 2040" He got up and, re-arranging his robe in a way that god couldn't see the unfortunate stain, headed out of the Gryffindor dorm, through the common room and into a mysterious wooden ship that smelt like the herbology department's office after a staff party. He wondered what heaven would be like, and what he could steal to prove to his friends that he'd been there. 


	2. When Harry Met JesusChapter 2

"Where is he?" Hermoine moaned, racing round the Gryffindor common room, uprooting chairs and peering under beds looking for her friend, who wasn't at breakfast and was about to miss a very important potions test. She knew that when Gryffindors turned up late, Snape would often use them as test subjects, instead of the Rhesus monkeys Dumbeldore ordered in especially for the purpose, and considering today's test was on a potion that, when administered wrong, had the effect of making the subject's hair fall out, clothes mysteriously disappear, and worst of all, it made them incapable of lying. Harry might accidently spurt out the truth about that night in first year when they were just discovering their sexual identity...and that would be quite tragic, for all involved.br  
  
As Hermoine was interogating the Gryffindor toaster, screaming 'WHERE IS HE!!!' Ron ran in, tripped over a misplaced cushion, and fell at Hermoine's feet. Her usually messy hair was even more messy, from stress and having not been brushed. Ron thought if the hair on her head was this bad, how her pubic hair must look right about now. The thought made him dive for a cushion, and upon finding the one he tripped over, sat urgently down on the nearest couch, cross-legged and blushing. With his hair and his face as red as they were, he could've put on a beret and been right at home in a bowl of tomatoes. ' I wish I were a tomato' he thought, he was looking for any way to get out of the bizarre love triangle he, Hermoine and Harry were stuck in. It wasn't bad enough just pining away endlessly for Hermoine, when she was in love with Harry , it was made infinitely worse by the nights he woke up, with Harry stroking his hair, kissing his neck and whispering in his ear "Don't worry, it only hurts at first." But no, he shouldn't think about that. It wasn't a good idea to think about anything sexual related, especially after Hagrid learnt how to make mind reading potion out of the urine from three headed dogs. Hagrid was still under investigation for Peadophilia, but that didn't really matter to Ron anyway, everytime the three of them visited Hagrid (it always was the three of them, Ron always seemed to be in the shadow of the attractive and the famous, why couldn't it just be him, Ron, the....slightly nerdy?) He spent most of his time looking down Hermoine's top, or talking to Harry about girls (Ron found this extremely funny though, seeing Harry blush and go silent as Hagrid asked if Harry fancied anyone, and Hermoine slid closer and rubbed her leg against his) Ron snapped out of his dream state when he heard Hermoine scream at him "Ron, Ron, wake up, this is hardly the time for your pubescent daydreams!"  
  
"Huh?" He realised that the rest of the Gryffindor house were gathered in the common room, all staring at Hermoine and Ron. A few near the front were giggling, and Ron was sure there would be rumours by lunchtime about the relationship between the two. Which he considered a good thing, it made it easier for him to bring the topic up, not that he ever would, it was still a nobel thought.  
  
"OK," Hermoine said to the group "Are you sure none of you saw or heard anything strange go on during the night?" A second year, shorter than all the rest and near the front suddenyl sat up, as if remembering something.br  
  
"Oh yeah," She said, " I was just going to photograph Harry while he was sle....and yeah, a ten foot tall man in a glowing white robe puched past me, dragging a student behind him. I didn't see who it was, but when I got to Harry's bed he wasn't there."  
  
"Oh really?" Hermoine said, "And do you remember anything else, like did he say anything?"br  
  
"All I heard them say is 'damn witches, I wish they'd burn them at the stake like they used to'"br  
  
"Shit," Hermoine mutered under her breath. "You know what this means, Ron?"br  
  
"No." He replied,"But can we make out?"br  
  
"For god's sake boy, put some pants on, we have to go to heaven to save Harry. Again."br  
  
Ron sighed, why couldn't be have gone to a public school. Or befriended a rhesus monkey. At least that way you 'd know your friend would never lie to you. 


End file.
